Veronica's Diary
by MarshmallowAtHeart
Summary: "You don't wanna talk about it? Fine. Write it out." Wallace had told the petite blonde and handed her a leather covered journal. Veronica bit her lip as she stared at the blank pages. What was she supposed to write? Most of the time she couldn't find the words to express herself. One-shot. Starts in 3X15 and takes an AU turn.


"You don't wanna talk about it? Fine. Write it out." Wallace had told the petite blonde and handed her a leather covered journal. Veronica bit her lip as she stared at the blank pages. What was she supposed to write? Most of the time she couldn't find the words to express herself.

* * *

Dear Diary,

Sounds crappy. But by definition, that's what you are.

You can thank Wallace for your wasted pages.

* * *

Fine. Guilt me, why don't you, Wallace?

What am I feeling? I don't know. Does every emotion have to have a label?

Sigh.

Well, Wallace gave you to me because he was concerned, I suppose.

Best friends do that. And Wallace? He's the best. I know he just wants me to be okay.

And I am. Well, I'm okay the only way I know how to be.

I'm dealing.

Night, Veronica.

* * *

Friends. Logan wants to be friends. I don't know how to be friends. The last time we were friends was a life time ago.

And after everything, could we really be friends?

It was love or hate with us. Can we really find the middle ground?

Stupid. Stupid. Stupid Logan.

Why would you ask me if you could date Parker in the first place?

And why couldn't I just swallow my pride for once and just say no?

Why couldn't you understand that I broke up with you because you hurt me and not because I stopped loving you?

Why couldn't you understand that I still didn't deal with this break up yet?

I'm not ready for this.

It's all too much.

All too soon.

* * *

Logan and Mac are friends now, I suppose. Bantering about the good ol' days that they never shared.

In other news, Parker invited me to her birthday party. What are we? Twelve again?

I don't wanna go.

I don't want to see the happy couple paraded around hosting stupid parties.

I don't wanna be the 'cool ex-girlfriend'.

I don't want to go.

I go anyway.

* * *

Logan's happier with her.

He smiles. He beams. He lights up. Whatever.

Good for him. I'm glad he's happy.

It's not like I'm unhappy. Nope, insomnia is a quick cure for nightmares.

I just need to get through the day. And it'll be okay. I'll be okay. And eventually, I'll find my way to who I used to be...

… who I used to be when I was happy.

* * *

Piz kissed me.

I kissed him back.

Logan saw.

Logan didn't care.

Logan had a perky girlfriend waiting for him.

Logan didn't care what I did.

It's exactly like we were twelve again.

* * *

If Logan's fettuccine and Piz is the eggplant...

...what am I even doing?

Stupid Mac.

Stupid Symbolisms.

Stupid Boys.

* * *

Stupid Logan.

I can't believe he'd ask me if I cheated on him.

He's the one that moved on first. During every break up, evidently.

I hate him. I hate him. I hate him.

… I hate that I really don't.

* * *

I'm dating Piz now.

Why don't I have more enthusiastic feelings on the subject? The blood rush and jittery feelings?

But I could do without the roller-coaster, right?

...This isn't how this diary entry was supposed to go.

* * *

I can't do this anymore.

I can't be friends with Logan.

I can't give Parker tips on how to deal with Logan.

I can't.

But I do.

I suck it up and I do.

And then Logan !? I was helping him.

Because he was happy with her.

And I wanted him to be happy.

Even though it felt like I was 'sticking pins' in a Veronica doll.

* * *

Piz is there.

He's happy. With me. That's nice. It's a nice feeling when you're the reason someone's smiling.

If I can't be happy, I might as well let him be happy.

And Logan can be happy.

And Parker can be happy.

And I'm getting there.

* * *

Grin and bear, Mars. That's what I told myself when Parker arranged for a double date between Logan and her, Piz and I.

Was she delusional? What could possibly make her think that that was a good idea?

I shouldn't have said yes.

Too much.

Too soon.

And yet I went anyway.

Fake it till you make it? Great plan.

Until it's not.

Everyone hates everyone, now.

I yelled at Logan.

Piz snapped at me.

Logan punched Piz.

Parker shouted at Logan and then left in a outrage.

Break ups seemed to be the central theme of the evening.

I thought that I could have just let everyone happy. But that's not how it works.

Everyone hurts everyone. So yeah love stinks. I said it once and I'll say it again, Veronica Mars, spinster.

Weird huh? The way I procrastinate my own thoughts.

Let's be honest here, Veronica, wasn't that the reason Wallace got you this book?

I'm still in love with Logan Echolls.

Probably always going to be.

Rationally...

...Well, nothing about Logan and I are rational.

Everything is at it's extreme with Logan. I feel everything, intensely.

When I was with Piz, it wasn't like that.

When I was with Duncan, it wasn't like that.

But Logan? Every time. All the time. The status of our relationship doesn't even seem to play a factor in the intensity department.

It terrifies me. It terrifies me that the level of my emotions are directly proportional to the percentage of Logan in my life.

Why couldn't we have had the simple, sweet, girl meets boy story? Why do we have to be epic? Why does it have to be so hard? Why can't I just be good ol' fashioned happy?

Stupid Logan and his stupid epic romantic notions.

Stupid me for actually wanting it, epic and all.

* * *

Logan still wants to be friends.

Honesty; the foundation of friendship.

And so I told him that it was difficult to be his friend.

I told him that I couldn't watch him be in a relationship with another girl.

I told him that I couldn't give other girls advice about him.

I just couldn't deal with it.

And he accepted that.

And he still wanted to be my friend.

I couldn't for the life of me fathom why.

It was unreasonable of me to condition him.

And then he said, "Because I love you, Veronica."

So yes, it would be okay.

And one day, we'll be okay enough to be together without breaking apart.

Because I love him too.

But for now we'd be friends.

And slowly make our way to being in a relationship.

We're epic.

Spanning years.

Continents.

Lives ruined.

Bloodshed.

Epic.

For now, a movie sounds good. Popcorn. Extra butter. South Park. Logan.

Sounds like a perfect night to me.

Night, Veronica.

P.S. Wallace was right about you, I needed an outlet. But that's one secret we'll never tell :P


End file.
